


A Tale of Four Sastiel Christmases

by Pathryn34



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Christmas, F/M, Grieving Sam Winchester, Other, Sam & Dean platonic soulmates, They/ Them Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:27:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28210896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pathryn34/pseuds/Pathryn34
Summary: Four Christmases within the world of After and Yet Before.
Relationships: Castiel/Sam Winchester, Sam Winchester/Castiel
Comments: 6
Kudos: 13





	1. The First Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> Sam and Cas’ first Christmas after Dean died.

This would be the first Christmas since Dean had died. And there hadn’t been nearly enough time to get past this ever present agony. 

Normally, he wouldn’t celebrate Christmas. He and Dean rarely did. But, Mrs. Butters had reinvigorated their love of the holidays. 

“Enjoy the world that you’re saving.” 

Only Dean would never again get to enjoy the world he saved so many times. The pain of that thought ripped like daggers through Sam’s heart. He clutched his chest remembering Dean’s promise. 

“I’ll be with you always.” 

So Sam felt he owed it to Dean to celebrate for him, for them both. Even if the thought hurt him to his core. 

A gentle hand was suddenly on his back. 

Cas. 

Sam didn’t know what he would have done if Cas hadn't come back to him after Dean went to Heaven, and he was grateful he didn’t have to find out. 

“Sam?” Cas inquired gently. 

“I’m fine, Cas. I’m just thinking about Christmas,” Sam explained, turning to look down at Cas. 

“Christmas? We’ve never celebrated Christmas,” Cas seemed confused.

“The last Christmas I remember seeing decorations for the other Michael possessed….” Cas’ voice trailed off so as to not say the name that would cause Sam even more pain. 

Sam winced. He remembered that Christmas. He remembered what happened after. How hard he fought to keep Dean with him. 

But he had to do as promised, and let Dean go. At least Dean was in a better place. Still, tears slipped out. 

He wiped them away quickly. 

“Yeah, Dean and I rarely celebrated. But I saw how much he loved it when Mrs. Butters gave him Christmas. And I want to celebrate to …”

“Honor him,” Cas completed. “Okay, how can I help?”

Sam looked around the house they had recently claimed from the poltergeist. It was still in bad shape. They had just started renovating it. They were basically camping on sleeping bags and using lanterns for light. 

Still… it was home. 

“We need to go shopping. Get a tree, some decorations, and gifts… for each other,” Sam listed. 

“Okay, Sam…. I’ll meet you at the store.” And with a rustled of feathers, Cas was gone. 

The sudden loneliness took Sam’s breath away. The pain of being alone threatened to overwhelm Sam. 

“Breathe, Sam. Cas just went to the store. You’re not alone.”

And suddenly, he wasn’t. Cas was back with their beautiful blue eyes filled with concern. 

“Sam, I felt your longing. Are you okay?” Cas asked, worriedly. 

Sam was both ashamed and grateful. He swallowed hard before replying. 

“Can you ride with me, Cas?” Sam implored. “I know you like to fly, but…”

“Of course, Sam. All you need do is ask.” Cas replied instantly. 

The rode in Baby to the nearby store. It was two days before Christmas. So the choices were limited. But they managed to find decorations and a tree. 

Presents were harder. Sam had no idea what to get an angel. But he found something he thought Cas might like. 

Back, at home, they set up the little tree in the living room. It needed work still, but they cleaned it as much as possible first. 

Sam had to admit… it was nice. Decorating with Cas was nice. 

He had never gotten to decorate with Dean. 

Pain white hot and sharp stole his breath. He would never get to decorate with Dean. 

So many Christmases wasted, taken for granted. They had never decorated a tree together. Dean either did it, Sam did it, or Mrs. Butters did. Never together. 

And he would never get the chance. 

Cas, ever aware of Sam’s moods, was instantly by Sam’s side with their arms around him. 

Sam returned the embrace and cried into Cas’ shoulder. Ever so grateful Cas in this vessel had more of a propensity for touch. 

After a few minutes, he stopped crying and ended the hug. 

“Thanks, Cas. I’m sorry,” Sam apologized. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” stated Cas. “Would you like me to distract you as I did before?” 

One of Cas’ hands trailed down Sam’s chest to his stomach, going lower. 

Sam gently caught the hand. Oh, how he wanted to give in. To let Cas give him mind blowing pleasure. To let Cas help him forget about the pain. 

But what would Dean think? And more importantly, what would Cas think if they knew the truth. 

“I’m okay now, Cas. Let’s finish decorating.”

Cas gave him an odd, almost hurt look, they turned to continue decorating the small tree. 

Sam hated hurting Cas. He knew they were just being helpful. But he didn’t want to use Cas. Definitely not like that. 

—— 

Christmas Day dawned bright and cold. Cas and Sam went to get breakfast together. Cas pretended to eat so Sam could have one hot meal. The rest would be take out. 

Especially, the traditional Boston Market dinner. Sam wanted to preserve that one memory from childhood. 

At home, Sam made eggnog with too much kick, another tradition. He sat down on the dirty couch in the living room with Cas by his side, looked at the tree, and let himself remember. 

That one Christmas. The one they thought would be their last. Dean had sold his soul to bring Sam back to life. Before Cas brought Dean back. Before they even knew Cas. 

They had spent the day either almost being eaten by pagan gods, or defeating them with their own Christmas tree. 

Dean had wanted Christmas. Sam had been too sad to. Knowing that the next year, Dean would be gone. 

Sam had done his best to make Christmas, though. A pathetic tree in a bucket and the paltry decorations from a convenience store. 

They had exchanged cheap gifts. But Sam had treasured his always. The skin mags were in a keepsake box, he had never looked at them. The shaving cream he had used sparingly every time Dean was dead or gone, until he was possessed by Michael and Sam had finally run out. Not that he ever told Dean that’s why he had that beard. 

That Christmas had been a perfect moment, even though a shadow hung over them then. 

In hindsight, it was almost amusing. Not only was that not their last Christmas, but Dean did die, yet was back in time for the next one. Thanks to Cas. 

But the Christmas, that wasn’t on Christmas Day, that Mrs. Butters had given them, that was the last. And Sam hadn’t appreciated it, hadn’t known. 

The tears began falling fast as Sam remembered Dean’s joy both times. 

“Dean should be here!” Sam’s soul seemed to cry. “He deserves Christmas. Not me.” 

Soft hands wiped the tears from his face, followed by a gentle kiss to his forehead, the tip of his nose. 

The Cas whispered at Sam’s lips, “Please, Sam, let me help.” 

Wonderful hands moved up Sam’s thighs with Cas kneeling in between his knees. 

It was almost impossible to resist. It felt so good and Sam knew it would feel better. And he could pretend it was a Christmas gift. 

Except, no he couldn’t. 

Because to Cas it was just an act when to Sam it meant so much more. 

So with a supreme act of will, he gathered Cas’ hands in his. 

“You don’t have to, Cas. Let’s open presents instead.” 

Cas, again, looked oddly hurt, but acquiesced. 

Cas had gotten Sam a new shirt, noting he hadn’t taken many from the Bunker. Sam loved it. 

Cas had also gotten Sam underwear. It was a completely practical gift that nonetheless made Sam shift to hide his true reaction from Cas. 

Sam had gotten Cas a portable TV and battery pack. 

Cas seemed quite pleased. 

And they used it while Sam ate his Boston Market to watch Christmas movies and finish out the day. 

And, despite the continuous pain, Sam had to admit, their first Christmas in their new life together had gone better than he could have hoped. 

“Merry Christmas, Cas.” 

“Merry Christmas, Sam.” 

Then Sam whispered to Heaven, 

“Merry Christmas, Dean.”


	2. Dean’s First Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first Christmas of Sam and Cas’ son, Dean.

Taking pictures with Santa was an adventure. The line was long, baby Dean was grumpy. But none of that mattered. Dean was transfixed when he looked up into Santa’s face. 

It was beautiful. 

Too many presents were under the tree, all for Dean. All their friends and fellow hunters wanted to give him a gift. 

His first Christmas. 

Christmas was going to be a found family affair. 

“Family Don’t End in Blood” 

And Christmas was for everyone. Jody, Donna, and the girls. Garth, Bess, and their kids. All of them would be here for Christmas. 

Sam and Cas worked hard to get ready. They wanted everything perfect. 

Which means it was doomed. 

Dean was crawling now and the presents were in danger. They had to come up with innovative ways to save them. 

And shatterproof ornaments were a must. The bottom of the tree was naked, because Dean kept playing with the decorations placed there. 

The turkey didn’t thaw. The cookies and pies were burnt. They just hoped the food the others would bring was good. 

And through it all, Sam missed Dean with an unceasing ache. 

He imagined him everywhere. Playing with Baby Dean and Miracle. Helping with the food and decorations. Cracking jokes. Forcing them to watch Christmas movie after Christmas movie. 

Being giddy, being into it. Being wonderfully Dean. 

But that’s the only way Dean was there, in Sam’s heart and mind. 

And, it hurt. But Sam vowed he would give his son Dean the childhood his namesake deserved. And that meant Christmas. So no matter how Sam hurt, he was doing this for Dean, both of them. 

And, luckily, Cas had his back. They understood the importance of traditions and rituals. And they did their best to provide for Dean. 

They were a amazing partner and Mada. Sam never stopped being grateful. 

Christmas was a chaotic, wonderful mess. Since Dean didn’t know better, they waited until everyone arrived to open gifts. 

A baby is not the best gift opener it turns out. But it was adorable how everyone took turns helping. 

Soon everyone had their gifts and the living room was littered with paper. 

Cas helped clean up while Sam worked in the kitchen on the food with Jody & Bess. The turkey had been unsalvageable, so Boston Market was gotten instead. The lycanthropes had a special diet, but everyone was considerate. 

People ate until they were way too full then, except for Cas. Then they watched the game. 

The time passed with laughter and joy. 

“If only Dean could be here,” the errant thought was almost a mantra in Sam’s head, he thought it so often. 

Sam put his hand surreptitiously over his heart. In a way, he was. In a way, he would always be. 

About the time Dean was showing signs it was his bedtime, everyone decided it was time to leave. 

There were hugs, warm wishes, and kisses on cheeks. 

And just like that, everyone was gone. They had their home to themselves. 

Sam kissed Cas gently on the check. 

“I’ll put Dean to bed,” he offered. “You should relax. I’m sure you’ve had a hard day. You were great. Thank you.”

“It was nothing, Sam. I’m happy to do it for you and our son.” Cas replied. Then they kissed Sam gently on his cheek before heading to the bedroom. 

Dean was warn out from the excitement of the day, so he was asleep quickly. 

Sam looked down at his precious sleeping son. In less than a month, Dean would be one. No longer a baby. Time was going too fast. 

Yet, when Sam thought about another Dean, his brother Dean, whom he missed and couldn’t wait to be reunited with.. time wasn’t going fast enough. 

Sam leaned down to gently kiss Dean’s forehead.

“Good night, Dean. Merry Christmas.”

Sam went into his and Cas’ bedroom. Cas was in the en-suite bathroom. So Sam started to get ready for bed. He was in his pajama bottoms when he heard Cas ask, “Can you sit on the foot of the bed?” 

Sam had no idea what was going on, but he would do anything Cas asked. 

“Of course. I’m there.” Sam let Cas know. 

Then the bathroom door opened and Sam was floored. 

Cas entered the bedroom wearing nothing but two bows. One across their chest and one across their hips. More tantalizing than concealing. 

They walked to Sam and stood before him. 

“I’m your Christmas present. Do what you will. …. I saw that in a movie and wanted to try it,” Cas admitted with a blush. 

The love Sam felt for Cas exploded in his chest. And he just looked at Cas with absolute adoration before he, as pleasurably for Cas as possible, removed the top bow. 

He then gently cupped Cas’ chest playing with the sensitive tips. Cas’ vessel had female physiology. And Sam wanted to give Cas as much pleasure as possible. 

He then gently tongued a tip, then began to suck. Meanwhile, his hands moved lower. He guided Cas’s legs to part and straddle him, never losing contact with his mouth. 

He moved to give attention to the other one, while his hand crept up Cas inner thigh to touch their most sensitive of areas. 

Sam spread his legs wider to open up Cas more to him. With his thumb stroking and fingers entering, Sam worked to make Cas moan. 

It worked like a charm. 

Soon Cas’ fingers were in Sam’s hair holding him close to their chest as Sam continued to feast. To with his mouth and hand, express his intense desire for Cas. 

Cas was moving in that primal rhythm seeking more and more ecstasy. 

“Come for me, Cas,” Sam encouraged breathily against heated flesh. 

And they did. In cascading orgasms, because Sam refused to stop until Cas was whimpering in surrender. 

Then he cleaned his hand and repositioned Cas to be cradled in his lap so he could just hold them. 

“This was the most amazing Christmas gift. Thank you, Cas,” Sam voiced gratefully. 

“But I didn’t pleasure you, Sam,” Cas replied almost sadly. “Don’t you want me to? 

Cas moved a hand down Sam’s bare chest, seeking lower, when Sam gently took their hand to his mouth and kissed the palm. 

“Cas. You can always touch me however you want. The ecstasy you give me is indescribable. But I want you to know pleasure. Because you being with me every day is my greatest gift. I love you, Cas” 

Sam gently kissed them, and Cas deepened it. 

Keeping the connection, Sam stood up holding Cas. He gently laid them both down, keeping Cas in his arms. 

They kissed for a while longer, stroking each other’s hair. 

Until Cas cuddled into Sam’s chest to let Sam rest. 

“Merry Christmas, Cas” 

“Merry Christmas, Sam.” 

Then Sam whispered to Heaven,

“Merry Christmas, Dean.”


	3. The Truth About Santa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Christmas the year Dean, their son, stopped believing in Santa.

Cas had gone to pick up Dean from school so that Sam could finish his book before his deadline. He also wanted to be done so he would be free for the holidays. 

Sam had just finished and sent the draft to his editor when the front door crashed open. 

His hunter instincts dormant but not forgotten kicked in. He was on his feet scanning for a weapon when he saw the little streak of clothing throw himself dramatically on the couch and start sobbing. 

Sam looked questioningly at Cas as they came inside and gently closed the door. 

“I don’t know, Sam, he was oddly silent when I picked him up and on the way home,” Cas answered Sam’s unspoken question. 

“Is it true?” came the muffled question. 

Sam knelt down by his son and placed a comforting hand on his back. 

“Is what true, Dean?” Sam asked. He could think of any number of things that were true that he didn’t want his eleven year old son to know about. 

Tear filled eyes met his. 

“That Santa is not real,” came the anguished reply. 

Sam’s immediate internal response was what others may call … odd. Because all Sam felt was heartwarming pride and relief. 

Here was his wonderful precious son, and his biggest heartache was that Santa wasn’t real. Sam remembered how by the time he and Dean had been 11, they not only knew monsters existed, they had already fought them. 

And 11, almost 12 was a good age to lose that innocence. Sam himself had believed in the Easter bunny was real until 11 and a half. Mostly because after spilling the beans about Santa when Sam was 5, Dean worked really hard to keep the illusion of the Easter Bunny alive. .… and Easter eggs were easier to steal. 

The now familiar pain exploded in his chest at remembering all Dean had done for him. So much that he could never repay. 

But he could give his son Dean all that his brother should have had. 

Sam looked at Cas, who silently nodded that it was up to Sam and that they would support whatever he said. Sam nodded back, then began to explain. 

”It depends on what you mean by ‘Santa.’ If you mean a being that makes all those presents and delivers them around the world in one night, then no. There is no Santa. But, if you mean the far more important existence of generosity for the sake of bringing others joy cloaked in the idea of ‘Santa,’ then Santa is very real.”

Dean blinked at Sam. 

“So Santa is more abstract than concrete?” Dean inquired. Sam couldn’t help but marvel at how very smart Dean was. Just like his brother had been. 

“Yes. That’s why we parents give you the concrete notion when you may not understand the abstract. It is important to believe in goodness that you may not see.” 

Dean sat up and wiped his tears. 

“So you lied to me so that I would be good?” accused Dean. 

“In multiple ways, you are correct,” explained Cas. Sam was worried before Cas continued. “When you are young, you don’t know how to be good for the sake of being good. So we use outside rewards. However, what your dad is saying is that it’s important to believe in the good in this world.”

“Thank you, Cas,” Sam whispered. 

Dean looked at them for a long time. 

“If I’m still good, will I still get presents?” Dean asked with all the innocence and calculation of a child. 

“Yes, of course. Your mada and I still give each other gifts every year. And I’ve known the truth about Santa for a while,” Sam replied.

“Okay, good.” 

And just like that, the crisis had passed. 

“Can I go play now?” asked Dean. 

“After you take off your outerwear and have your snack,” stated Cas. 

“Pie?” Dean asked expectantly. 

“On the kitchen table,” Sam nodded. 

And Dean rushed to comply. 

Sam stood up and wrapped Cas in his arms. 

“Can you believe we made it to almost 12? And he’s such a good, intelligent kid. And he gets to be a kid. I’m so grateful, Cas,” Sam beamed. “He has the childhood that was stolen from Dean and me. I couldn’t have done it without you.” 

Cas smiled up at Sam, then that smile faltered. 

“Time is going too fast, Sam.”

“Or not fast enough,” the errant unspoken thought crossed his mind. Because no matter how much he loved Cas and his son, he and his soul longed to be with someone else. But Sam would never say that. 

“I’m sure most parents feel the same,” Sam replied reassuringly. “And Dean is growing up quickly, but at least he still believes in the Easter Bunny?”

Sam smiled with those words to try to ease Cas’ concern. But Cas just looked at him with the oddest look for a few moments before burying themselves in Sam’s arms and placed their head on Sam’s chest. 

They stood like that until Dean called to show off he had eaten his pie. 

——

Christmas was a quieter affair this year. Garth’s kids were hitting puberty so staying away from humans and their hearts were important while they learned to control their urges. 

Jody was experiencing painful arthritis from her many old injuries and didn’t feel like the trip, so Donna and the girls were staying with her. 

So, it was just them. Their small family of three. 

But it was nice. 

They woke early and exchanged gifts by the tree, as the pictures of Sam’s family, their family smiled from above. 

Sam could feel Dean’s presence and hoped he made him proud. 

They ate their favorite foods instead of the traditional Christmas dinner. And watched either the game or Christmas movies while Dean played with his new toys. Then it was bedtime. 

Both Sam and Cas took turns kissing him on his forehead. 

“Good night. Merry Christmas, Dean,” they said in unison. 

Then they went to their bedroom. 

Sam was nervous. He wasn’t sure he had the courage to do what he was about to do. But Cas had seemed oddly melancholy the last few days. And he wanted to cheer them up… or try. This could and would likely fail. 

It could also bring up painful memories he left buried in an attempt to forget. But if he trusted anyone, it was Cas. If he could do this for anyone, it was Cas. 

Sam took a deep breath as he entered the bedroom. Once by the bed, he started to strip. 

“I have one more Christmas gift for you, if you’ll have me,” Sam offered. 

Cas seemed confused. “I always want you, Sam.” 

Those words definitely had an effect. He still, even after all these years, couldn’t believe that Cas was his. That Cas wanted him.

Sam, now naked, gulped. Then using the courage that Cas’ words had helped summon, he revealed four silk ties at each corner of the bed. 

“I know you’ve wanted to try this. Me tied up for you. But, my past … I wasn’t ready.” 

“Sam,” Cas was at his side, hand on cheek, looking into Sam’s eyes, “you don’t have to do this. I don’t want you to ever feel scared or that you have to do something that makes you uncomfortable for me..… well besides that which may be required to save the world.”

Sam had to smile at Cas’ literal nature that he loved so much. 

“I want to do this for you. And I need you to do this for me. Please help me heal. I trust you.” 

With that, Sam laid spread eagle on the bed. 

Cas gently tied up Sam, demonstrating how the ties were tied such that Sam could remove his hands and feet at anytime if he became too uncomfortable. 

Then Cas stripped and gathered some body oil. 

“I won’t hurt you, Sam”

Then they crawled in between Sam’s open legs, and stroked his erection. Sam gasped at the sensation. 

Cas then took Sam into their mouth and sucked and licked until Sam was writhing in pleasure against the restraints. 

As always, the ecstasy Cas gave him was mind blowing. He barely registered the ties keeping his arms and legs in place beyond the layer of eroticism they added. 

Still pleasuring Sam with their mouth, Cas grabbed a pillow to gently put under Sam’s hips. This pushed Sam farther into Cas mouth, a movement that elicited a moan from Sam. 

It also gave Cas better access to another part of Sam. 

Rubbing the body oil onto the fingers of one hand, Cas then slowly inserted first one, then two fingers seeking that tender spot that drove Sam wild. 

Cas quickly found it and Sam bucked, again further into Cas mouth. 

Cas continued to pleasure Sam with his fingers and mouth until Sam’s explosive shuddering release. 

After Sam’s breathing returned to semi normal, Cas positioned themselves where they were carefully sitting on Sam’s upper chest, open and exposed to Sam’s nearby mouth. 

“My turn,” Cas pleaded. 

And Sam was quick to oblige. 

He licked and sucked and tormented and teased. He ran his tongue in a figure eight with Cas’ most sensitive spot at the double pass. 

Cas’ moans and calls of his name drove him to lick and suck with more intensity. Until he felt Cas come. He was actually going to continue, but Cas moved away. 

Sam had to stop himself from whimpering in disappointment. The restraints mere nuisances and not at all frightening. 

But Cas was straddling his hips, and all disappointment ended. 

They rubbed their body against Sam and the reaction was a sudden complete stiffening. 

Cas repositioned to plunge themselves on Sam and began to ride. Still in exquisite rhythm, Cas leaned down and began to toy with Sam’s sensitive nipples with fingers and tongue. 

The sensations sent shocks of pleasure throughout Sam’s body. He strained at the restraints, but did not free himself. Instead he let himself be completely at Cas’ mercy. The one he trusted. The one who brought his exquisite ecstasy. 

Their tempo increased as the pleasure built until Cas’ orgasm caused Sam’s own. 

Cas collapsed temporarily on Sam’s chest to catch their breath, then quickly reached to untie Sam. Not wanting him to be bound longer than necessary. 

But also wanting to be held, which Sam did without being asked. He was such a giving and caring lover. 

After a while, they cleaned themselves and got under the covers, Cas still wanting to hold Sam and be held in return. And Sam was more than happy to oblige. 

“Did that help at all?” Sam had to ask. “I’ve noticed you’ve been sad since Dean found out about Santa. And I was hoping …” 

Cas cut off Sam with a tender kiss. 

“It did, Sam. Thank you. It was wonderful. But we only do it again if you truly want to.”

“I might. That was amazing. You’ve healed me, Cas, again ”

“I’m glad, Sam. I want to help you overcome the trauma of your past.”

“I’m so grateful you’re here, Cas. Thank you.”

And that was why Cas was so sad. Because they knew time was going too fast. They had already been with Sam alone longer than they had been with them when Sam & Dean were together. And it was wonderful and Cas didn’t want to lose the happiness they had with Sam. 

But Cas knew it was just a matter of time. And that Sam secretly yearned, not for his time with Cas to be over, but for the time he would be with Dean again to come. 

And Sam was so generous and giving of himself. Trying to give his family the kind of happiness his ever present agony over Dean’s absence would never let him achieve. At least, not beyond select moments. 

So, Cas refused to complain about their time running out. 

Instead, they gently kissed Sam again and snuggled into his strong, warm embrace. And waited for the Christmas tradition that they had done every Christmas since their first one together. 

“Merry Christmas, Cas.” 

“Merry Christmas, Sam.” 

Then Sam whispered to Heaven, 

“Merry Christmas, Dean.”


	4. The Last Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last Christmas before Sam dies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just ... thank you for taking this journey with me.

“You always keep fighting.” 

Sam was trying, but it was getting harder everyday. The pain wasn’t the bad part. Sam was used pain. This wasn’t even that bad compared to what he had been through. 

The problem was the weakness. His body was shutting down and simply didn’t want to do what he needed it to anymore. 

He didn’t know how much longer he could keep fighting. But he didn’t want to fail to keep his promise to Dean this close to the end. 

Cas and his son were so heartbroken. He could see it every time they looked at him. 

He hated hurting them. So he tried to be strong. To smile whenever they were around. To hold their hands. To move like he used to.

But he was getting more tired every day. 

He just wasn’t sure when it would be alright for him to go. 

Cas had examined him when regular doctors could not understand what was going on. The doctors had tried chemo, thinking it must be a blood cancer. But that had no effect but to make him lose his hair. Which luckily was back, but this time bright white. 

Cas had concluded it was a remnant from the trials. His body had been so damaged that, though fixed at that moment with angelic interference, still had a deleterious effect over time. He thought it a bit ironic. That something that had almost torn him and Dean apart, was now what would bring them together again. 

And his soul was tired. It had been flayed and healed, then torn. And he felt every weary ache. 

But still, he fought on. 

They had set up a medical bed in the living room, under the pictures of his smiling family, a little over a year and a half ago. 

At first, it had been for convenience. So he didn’t have to walk too far. So he could have oxygen to help his battered lungs at night when he slept. 

But, in the last few months, he had deteriorated quickly. Unable now to leave the bed for more than to use the restroom, and that winded him. 

But, he had made it to Christmas. 

Cas and Dean had done wonders. Trying to add as much Christmas cheer to the house, this room, as possible. 

It was beautiful. They were beautiful. 

And he would miss them. 

But his soul, so close to the end of its earthly journey, was ready to be whole. Dean’s watch ticked on his wrist, seeming to count down until they would be together again. 

Sam looked around the room that held so many fond memories. His and Cas’ first Christmas here. The time he told Cas he was in love with them. The day he was given the gift of family in the form of pictures, that gave him comfort even now. The countless hours of watching television and movie nights. And all the wonderful Christmases where family and friends had gathered in this room.

They wouldn’t do so this year. They knew Sam just couldn’t. They had come in small groups or one by one to pay their respects, And that had been hard and exhausting. But he felt their love, and wanted them to know they had his. 

Cas and Dean picked that moment to walk in. It was Christmas morning. And they brought breakfast. Not a fancy breakfast. But one he could eat. While Dean and bacon and pancakes, just like his namesake used to love. 

Dean. How he still missed him. How he wished he was here. But, then again, he always did. 

After, breakfast clean up and the exchange of gifts, Dean kissed his father on the forehead before he left to go spend Christmas with Jody, Donna, and the girls who should more be called women. Jody was a feisty almost 80 yr old, still randomly in pain but coping, and it was good to see. She didn’t give him too hard a time about being younger but not as spry as her. She understood he had been through a lot. 

Garth’s family was going to join them. And it was going to be like Christmases of old. But without Sam and Cas. Cas refused to leave Sam’s side. Dean could be their emissary. 

“Merry Christmas, Dad,” Dean said as he adjusted after the kiss so that Sam could kiss his forehead. 

“Merry Christmas, Dean,” Sam replied back. 

Then it was him and Cas. Oh, how he loved them. Cas had promised that morning after they had reunited to stay with Sam for the rest of Sam’s life, and Cas had. 

Sam didn’t know how it was going to go after he passed away. And part of him was sad to see this time with them go. He still didn’t know if Cas loved him like he loved them or not. But Cas chose him and kept choosing him. And that felt like love. 

Cas and his son, Dean, had given Sam many moments of joy in the sea of grief and pain he existed in. He was grateful. So he smiled at Cas. 

Cas saw the smile and returned it. Then, Cas sat on the bed and held Sam’s hand. 

“Is there anything I can get you?” Cas asked. 

“You,” Sam replied. “Just be with me, Cas. Please?”

Tears pricked Cas’ eyes, “As long as you’ll have me, Sam.” 

Then Cas maneuvered to cuddle in on the too small bed. Typically, they just sat on the nearby couch and watched over Sam. But sometimes, Cas needed Sam’s touch. Like now. 

Time was coming to an end. Cas marveled at Sam’s strength to fight as long and hard as he had with how very sick he was. How much he tried to still give joy to the ones he loved. 

Cas thought about how wonderful it was to be loved by Sam Winchester. The constant support and understanding. The longing to be better to be worthy of his love. And, also, Cas had to admit, the ecstasy. 

Cas hadn’t had many lovers, and only vague memories of his vessel’s. But what Sam had made them feel was amazing. Beyond anything he could think to experience. 

And Cas wanted that one last time. Before it was too late. But Cas only wanted it if Sam did. They refused to take only because Sam was willing to give. Because that was Sam. He would give anything to bring happiness to the ones he loved. So, Cas wanted Sam to really want it, too. Cas didnt want to take advantage of Sam’s generous nature. 

Cas was sure Sam could handle it in his current condition, Cas would just have to be the one doing all the work. But for how much longer it would be possible, Cas didn’t know. So, as long as Sam was okay with Cas doing it, Cas was more than willing. 

Cas fingered along the waistband of Sam’s pants, feeling Sam’s body’s response. 

“Sam, do you want me?” Cas inquired, leaving out the “for the last time.”

“Cas, I want to, there is little I want more, but I don’t know if I can. All that I am is yours, but you would have to do everything. I’m sorry I can’t give you more.” Sam replied. 

“You are more than I ever hoped to wish for, Sam. Just let me…” Cas’ words trailed off as kissed Sam then they gently stripped Sam’s pants off. There was no underwear. 

Sam stood proud and tall in anticipation of Cas’ touching, verifying the truth of Sam’s words that he wanted Cas as much as Cas wanted him, so Cas didn’t keep it waiting. 

Like the first time in the shower in that motel years ago, Cas used every trick they knew to give Sam as much comfort as possible. As much pleasure as Cas could. And judging by Sam’s moan, it was working. 

Cas loved the feel of Sam in their mouth, the sounds of pleasure coming from Sam, it was a highly sensual experience. But this was the last time, and Cas needed more. 

Cas stripped off their clothes and carefully and gently mounted Sam. Sam’s answering moan of ecstasy, and the feeling of being filled by Sam was the quintessence of pleasure. Cas felt complete, loved, yet still wanting more. 

Cas moved gently at first, not wanting to hurt Sam. But, when Sam put a thumb right where he knew Cas would enjoy it most, Cas could hold back no longer. 

The rhythm was exquisite, the pleasure divine. It was their last moment like this. 

And it was perfect. 

Soon, they crescendoed at the same time.

Cas laid down carefully, wanting to be near Sam, but not hurt him. 

Sam, with the energy he could muster, wrapped his arms around Cas and spoke fervently, 

“No one compares to you, Cas. Thank you for that amazing Christmas gift, and all the gifts you have given me.”

And then he fell into a deep sleep. 

If Cas hadn’t felt the faint beat of Sam’s heart, they would have been worried. Instead, they just laid there, naked, enjoying moments like this for the last time. 

Hours later, Sam awoke. 

Cas had gotten Boston Market, and fed Sam what they knew he could eat. 

After that was done, Cas pulled out the portable TV Sam had bought them for their first Christmas together. 

“You still have that?” Sam asked in awe. 

“Of course, Sam, it’s one of my most treasured possessions,” Cas replied. 

Then they settled down on the little bed and watched their favorite Christmas movies together, one more time. 

When Cas could see Sam was getting tired, he turned off the TV, and gently kissed Sam. 

And waited for their ritual, the one done every Christmas since their first Christmas. Hoping Sam had the energy, just this one last time. Of course, Sam did not disappoint. 

“Merry Christmas, Cas.” 

“Merry Christmas, Sam.” 

Then Sam whispered up to Heaven, the place he would be heading soon, to the person he was counting down to reuniting with, the one he had missed every day. 

“Merry Christmas, Dean.”


End file.
